


What If?

by AngelsFallFirst



Category: Nightwish
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-10 16:56:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8924863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelsFallFirst/pseuds/AngelsFallFirst
Summary: What if Tuomas had never asked Tarja to join his band?A short AU-story that popped into my mind and begged me to get written ...





	1. Chapter 1

Nightwish, founded in 1996 by Tuomas Holopainen, Jukka Nevalainen and Emppu Vuorinen, was a Finnish heavy metal band from Kitee, northern Karelia. In 1997 their first singer joined, a Finnish man called Marco Hietala. Nightwish soon got famous all around the world. Ten years later, another singer joined, a female singer called Anette Olzon. She was the reason for Tuomas to try calmer songs or hints of symphonic melodies during the heavier parts.  
Tuomas, keyboarder and songwriter, was 34, happy and didn't think that he was missing something in life. Not even a wife.

Tarja Turunen had studied classical singing in three different universities, one of them being a German university. Now she was 33, almost 34, and on the top of her career. She sang in sold out concert halls, churches and so on. She had concerts almost every day and all around Finland, Sweden and Russia. But she missed something in her life. Someone.   
She wanted a husband and children more than anything, wasn't sure about how to meet the man of her life though. She had tried dating but the men only had tried to get laid by her. Or they had backed off as she had said that she was a classical singer. Or they had heard her singing and said that opera was out.  
Tarja was happy with her career and unhappy with her love life.  
Until one day in 2010, her life got changed completely.

It started with Tuomas, to be honest.   
His mother had turned 60 and Tuomas had promised her to take her to a concert.   
"But please not to a metal band," Kirsti Holopainen had begged and Tuomas had laughed before he had called his father and they drove off to the concert hall in Savonlinna.  
Kirsti was blessed.  
There were operatic sounding singers, men who played the piano like no one else, a sixteen year old girl who played the violin as if she had never done something else ... and Tarja.  
Tarja.  
Of course Tuomas had heard about this famous Tarja, he knew that she was Finland's proudness in music, but he had never quite cared about her. That was why he was suddenly wide awake when people around him started whispering.  
"I can't wait for Tarja ..."  
"I've been waiting for this moment for the whole evening ..."  
"Tarja is wonderful, you'll see," Kirsti also whispered just in the very moment as Tarja stepped on the stage and everyone started applauding, even more than they had applauded for the violin girl.  
Tuomas though could only stare.  
She was ... she was gorgeous. She was stunning.  
She was wearing a long, white dress that reached until the floor and a sleeveless black kind of bolero with a big white collar.  
Her hair was long, deep black and reached until her waist in beautiful big curls. She waved and the orchestra started to play.  
Tuomas recognised the song within a second but he couldn't move, especially not when she started singing ...  
"Bed! Bed! I couldn't go to bed. My head's too light to try to set it down. Sleep! Sleep! I couldn't sleep tonight, not for all the jewels in the crown."  
Her voice.  
Her voice!  
Tuomas' skin had erupted into goosebumps.  
"I could have danced all night, I could have danced all night and still have begged for more. I could have spread my wings and done a thousand things I've never done before ..."  
Her looks while she gave everything into singing were amazing. She had so much fun ...  
Tuomas suddenly wanted to know more about her. Was she married? How old was she? Where was she from?  
She was enchanting.  
"I'll never know what made it so exciting. Why all at once my heart took flight ... I only know when he began to dance with me - I could have danced, danced, danced all night!"  
"She's really amazing," Tuomas whispered to his mother but Kirsti was staring at Tarja too.  
Tuomas looked at her again, she was waving at some fans in the first row she probably had recognised.  
Was that a ring, blinking on her finger? It was, but the ring was on her index finger. There was none on her ring finger, on none of her hands ... she was neither engaged nor married.  
"Thank you. You're the best. Seriously!" Tarja said after the song and Tuomas almost melted. She sounded ... her normal talking voice sounded simply cute. And somehow familiar ... it made his heart beat faster.  
"Hi! Hello, Silvia!" Tarja now giggled and waved someone in the third row who called her name. "Let's talk later, okay?" Tarja said and Tuomas smiled. She was something else.  
"My next song ... oh, you surely know that one too," Tarja started and looked at the orchestra. "Hit it," she said and Tuomas grinned. And also the next song took his breath away.   
"I feel pretty, oh, so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright! And I pity any girl who isn't me tonight. I feel charming, oh, so charming! It's alarming how charming I feel! And so pretty that I hardly can believe I'm real!"  
Tuomas swallowed. If she even knew how much the song fitted for her ...  
"See the pretty girl in that mirror there: who can that attractive girl be? Such a pretty face, such a pretty dress, such a pretty smile, such a pretty me! I feel stunning and entrancing, feel like running and dancing for joy, for I'm loved by a pretty wonderful boy!"  
If it was true?  
If she was loved by a wonderful boy? Man, probably. What a lucky man this man had to be. Tuomas' heart clenched slightly. What a stunning woman ... what a cute, beautiful, amazing woman. Tuomas had never admired the looks of a woman as much as hers before.  
She ended the song with a little pirouette and the crowd laughed along with her. Yes, she laughed loudly. And her laugh ... was stunning.  
Tuomas chuckled. He felt strange, staring at this foreign woman like a stalker ...  
"My next song will be a slower one," she said and scratched her head. "I wasn't quite sure if I should sing it but then I decided - yes. The song means a lot to me, so ..." She nodded at the conductor. The orchestra started to play and the hair on Tuomas' arms suddenly stood as the shiver went through his whole body. He recognised this sound.  
And when she started singing, he could have cried.  
"Who can say where the road goes? Where the day flows? Only time. And who can say if your love grows as your heart chose? Only time. Dee dah dah day ..."  
Tuomas noticed that a tear was escaping his eye. What? He was crying?  
"Who can say why your heart sighs as your love flies? Only time. And who can say why your heart cries when your love lies? Only time."  
"So sad," Kirsti whispered and Tuomas nodded.  
Indeed ...  
"Dee dah dah day ... dee dah dah day. Dee daah daay ..." And while she sang, her eyes scanned the room.  
And seemed to hang on Tuomas for a few beautiful seconds.  
Tuomas try to hold the eye contact but Tarja was a professional and broke the eye contact to concentrate on singing again. 

"Tarja!" Tarja turned around and embraced her friend with a squeal. Her "friend" ... Silvia was like all those others who only liked her because she was famous. But Tarja didn't have anyone else.  
"Silvia! Damn, I missed you! What are you doing here? I thought you needed to look after the children?!"  
"I wanted to ask you about Antti ..." Silvia grinned and Tarja sighed.  
"Oh there's nothing between us anymore ... he can't kiss so I didn't even want to let him inside of my bedroom."  
"So you didn't ...? Oh, what a pity. Don't you think you should start looking for the one?" Silvia asked worried and Tarja's face went dark. If Silvia only knew that she had kicked Antti out of her apartment already months ago! "Believe me. I'm looking."  
Not good enough though. Exactly in that moment Tuomas stepped closer to her but he turned around again when he came to stand next to her, taking some of the sandwiches of the buffet.  
He eyed Tarja from the corner of his eyes. She was quite small ... she was wearing high heels and was still tiny. How tall was she?  
Tuomas didn't talk to her.  
He was too shy.  
He had never felt something like this before, he had never been that shy towards a woman before. But she was so beautiful ...  
"You were amazing," a man's voice said and Tuomas watched him hug Tarja.  
"Thank you," Tarja replied.  
Tuomas soon noticed that Tarja was one of those it-girls in the classic music scene. Everyone knew her personally, kissed her, complimented her voice and looks.  
And Tarja seemed as if she had heard this for a million times already. She was smiling stiffly, saying thank you stiffly. She wasn't looking happy. She looked ... annoyed. And sad.  
"Tuomas, are you coming? We're driving ..."  
"I - I want to talk to Tarja," Tuomas said and Kirsti vanished with a nod.  
But Tuomas was frozen. With cold hands he watched her and soon he knew following about her:  
She wasn't married and had no kids. She was about to turn 34 in a month. She had gluten intolerance (someone had offered her a sandwich), she was dyeing her hair. Originally it was light brown. Her fans (or friends?) seemed to know everything about her. They talked about her private stuff way too much and Tuomas thought that Tarja sometimes didn't even listen - former boyfriends, other private stuff, her mother ... what was wrong with her mother? Tuomas didn't find out.  
He waited ten more minutes but he had no chance to even nod at her. She was always surrounded by at least four people and from minute to minute she looked unhappier. Someone brought her a glass of wine at some point, which she gulped down like nothing (now he also knew that she liked red wine).  
It was senseless.   
Tuomas turned around and walked to the car.  
His parents were waiting for him inside and Pentti started the car as soon as Tuomas had taken a seat in the back.  
"Did you get to talk to her?" Kirsti asked.  
"No," Tuomas replied. "It's simply not possible. She's quite popular."  
"Well, what did you think," Kirsti chuckled. "Maybe you'll see her if you stay in Kitee a bit longer."  
Her words first made no sense to him. "What?"  
"She lives in Kitee," Kirsti said.  
"She lives in Helsinki," Pentti said but Kirsti shook her head.   
"No - she did. But then her mother died and she moved back to Kitee to be with her father."  
"Ah, right."  
"She - she lives in Kitee?" Tuomas was speechless. "I didn't know that!"  
"You didn't? But you went to school together," Kirsti suddenly said and Tuomas' mouth fell open.  
"What -?!"  
"Tarja ... Tarja what's her name even? She's never talking about her last name, her pseudonym is Tarja Soile."  
"Tarja S- there was only one Tarja Soile in my year," Tuomas said and blushed. That Tarja ... "She was in my choir."  
"That one I mean," Kirsti nodded.  
"This Tarja is the same Tarja as the Tarja who was in the same choir as I??" Tuomas said as fast as he could. "Mum, how much did you drink?" He chuckled.  
"She's right," Pentti suddenly said. "Turunen - wasn't it? The Turunen family from Puhos."  
Tuomas' heart almost stopped. Tarja Turunen ... Tarja Soile. Tarja Soile Susanna Turunen.   
"That's impossible," Tuomas said.  
"Then visit her and you'll see," his mother suggested.  
"Mother - you do know that I was in love with Tarja with 15, don't you?"  
"You were??" Kirsti squealed. "Wow, how cute."  
"Right, I remember. You were always talking about that wonderful singer of your choir. That was Tarja? And you were in love?" Tuomas' father asked quite nosy.  
"Yes, almost twenty years ago so don't you dare thinking too much of it," Tuomas warned his parents. But truth be told, he couldn't stop thinking about her as well. About the small, cute Tarja he had fallen in love with. She had had dark blonde/brunette hair and the cutest face he could have imagined. And how green her eyes had been ...  
Tuomas' heart suddenly started racing. If his Tarja was the same Tarja as the one he had seen today, it would explain his feelings for the singer. And if he still loved her then he would take her out, try everything to make her fall for him too.  
He would visit her. They had been friends, she couldn't send him away.


	2. Chapter 2

He still knew where she lived. Or had lived. Tuomas was shaking as he rang the doorbell two days later, but only Tarja's father opened.   
"Can I help you?"  
"I'm looking for Tarja," Tuomas answered and Teuvo Turunen raised his brows.  
"Are you a fan?"  
"Also," Tuomas chuckled. "Tarja and I went to school together. I'm Tuomas Holopainen."  
"Tuomas ... Holopainen? Kirsti Nortia-Holopainen's son?"  
"Exactly," Tuomas answered, his heart starting to race. It was true, the famous Tarja was his Tarja ...  
"She doesn't live here anymore," Teuvo answered. "She came here after my wife passed away but she found her own house about a year after it. It's not far, it's also in Puhos. I can give you the address."  
"That would be amazing," Tuomas said. "My condolences."  
Teuvo nodded before he got a piece of paper and a pen and wrote down Tarja's new address.  
"Don't give it to anyone," he said and Tuomas promised he wouldn't.

And he immediately drove to her. He was way calmer now, now he was sure about the fact that they had been in the same choir. If she would remember him? She had to, they had been friends ... not good friends but ... they had met in private several times to rehearse and this had been when he had fallen in love with her ...  
He told himself to get a grip and rang the doorbell.  
And as Tarja opened, he forgot to breathe for a moment.  
Her dark hair, straight now, reached almost until her hip. Her green eyes rested on his face. And oh, how green her eyes were. How sharp her jawline was. How strong and high her cheekbones were.  
She was really tiny without her high shoes, about 1,60 metres. Tiny ... and very delicate. His eyes wandered down to her feet and up again. Her body was amazing, even though she wasn't wearing something bodyhugging.  
"Can I help you?" she asked.  
How cute her voice was.  
"T-Tarja??" Tuomas breathed and Tarja nodded shortly.  
"If you're a fan, how did you find out where I live?"  
"Your father told me," Tuomas said.  
"My - why would he?" Tarja asked and crossed her arms. "How do you know where my father lives?"  
"Maybe because I went to school with you," Tuomas said and finally managed to grin. "Don't you remember me?"  
"I don't. Which subjects?" She squinted her eyes at him.  
"Maths, English and music. Don't you remember me at all? I was in the choir as you!"  
Tarja slowly shook her head but suddenly her eyes grew wide. "Tuomas Holopainen?!"  
"I knew you would recognise me," Tuomas said happily but Tarja was still staring at him.  
"You're - you're the drummer of Nightwish!"  
"Ehm, no I'm not."  
"Of course you are in Nightwish! Don't tell me you aren't."  
"I am in Nightwish but I'm the keyboarder," Tuomas chuckled and Tarja's high cheeks went red.  
"Sorry."  
"Doesn't matter, Tarja. But why do you know my name but don't remember me from school? I was in your choir, we were friends ..."  
Tarja's face went redder. "I remember you," she suddenly said quietly. "You were the only one who didn't bully me."  
"Yes," Tuomas said gently and finally Tarja stepped aside. "Come in," she offered.

"So ..." Tarja started as she poured some coffee into Tuomas' cup. "Why did you, after all those years, suddenly decide to visit me?"  
"Because I've seen you in Savonlinna last Friday," Tuomas said, "and my mother recognised you. I didn't, to be honest. You look quite different ..."  
Tarja's cheeks blushed. "Yes, I mean I'm 33 now, I'm not fifteen anymore."  
Tuomas nodded. "And - and then she told me that I went to school with you, so I decided to visit you. So ... here I am. How have you been?"  
"Good," Tarja said casually. "Good ... as you can see, my career has gone straight upwards, such as yours."  
"Right," Tuomas said. "So we both reached what we wanted. So - you studied three times??"  
"Yes," Tarja chuckled and Tuomas' eyes widened.  
"Where and why, if I may ask?"  
"Sure ... well, the first time I 'studied' at the high school in Savonlinna. The principal wanted me to go to Helsinki then and even invited the principal of the Sibelius academy to hear me sing and he wanted me. After I was done with my year in Savonlinna, I immediately continued studying in Helsinki. I went there for three years ... so I was about twenty when I was done and I already had my first release in planning. Until 2003 though, the most I did was uploading videos on YouTube and giving mini concerts in bars." Tarja chuckled. "Then my mother passed away and I went back to Kitee to help my father ... and after I saw that he was alright again, well ... better than after my mother's death ..." she looked at her hands. It still hurt her. "After that I looked for a flat in Kitee and I found one but after I was done with moving, I had no plans anymore. So I decided to study again, since my voice had suffered from all this drama by not getting trained ... and well, I found a university in Germany which should bring me farer. I applied there, they accepted me and well, that's it. I went there for two years and went back in 2006 ... and a few months later I brought out my first album. That's it ..."  
"Wow, that's amazing," Tuomas said with a smile. "I didn't even study once. But how was it in Germany? Did you learn German?"  
"Of course I did," Tarja laughed. "Do you want a cookie?"  
"You have cookies?" Tuomas' eyes started to shine and Tarja laughed even more. Suddenly she noticed that she had missed him ... was he what she had been missing all those years?

"And what have you been doing since then? The last four years?" Tuomas asked and took a bite of his cookie.  
"Well ... giving concerts, writing songs, releasing albums, ... dating ..." Tarja laughed nervously. "Last thing I gave up already. Those guys were either too freaky or too boring or they didn't like my music or dated me only because I was famous. It's not easy standing in the spotlight."  
"You don't have to tell me," Tuomas said bitterly. "I don't even date."  
Tarja felt the urge to ask if he just didn't date but had something with women anyway but she held it back. It was none of her business.  
"That's not bad," she said instead and smiled at him.  
Tuomas smiled back. "I'm ... I'm really glad I went to the concert. You are amazing, Tarja. You really like performing, right?"  
"I love it," she replied softly. "There's nothing I love more than singing. I just enter my own world and I mold into the meaning of the song ..."  
"That was visible," Tuomas said with a smile. "You really feel the texts, right?"  
"Exactly. Singing is something very personal to me."  
There they sat, two geniuses in music.  
"You said you write songs too?" Tuomas asked.  
"I do, why?"  
"Because I'd like to hear ... or see one. I'm a songwriter as well."  
"Oh, really? Oh my God, this is amazing. Maybe we could help each other."  
"Or write a song together?" Tuomas suggested.  
"Yes but - I mean I like metal but I don't sing metal ..." Tarja blushed.   
"Well - let's make two versions of one song. A metal one and a classic one."  
"That's an amazing idea!" Tarja said and jumped up as her mobile phone rang. "Just one moment," she said and left the living room.  
Tuomas' hands had calmed but his heart hadn't. She was even more wonderful than he had thought. It was so easy to talk to her, yet so hard. She was wonderful ... and she wanted to collaborate. She liked metal? Tuomas looked around, there were many CDs. He soon noticed that they were alphabetised and his eyes wandered to the letter N ... no Nightwish, sadly. But at M he found Metallica and Muse. And at S he found Sonata Arctica. In Flames at I.  
And at T he found all her own albums.  
He took one of them out and had to hold his breath. It was herself on the cover and she looked breathtaking.   
He took out the other covers as well and could only stare at her beauty.  
"She's so beautiful ..." he mumbled and turned the first CD to look at the songs on the album. He know a few but not all of them. She was covering songs from musicals (Les Misérables, Funny Girl, West Side Story, Phantom Of The Opera, My Fair Lady and Evita were the only musicals he had at least heard of once), but it seemed she also had some own songs. He recognised them at what was standing in brackets; Tarja. Only Tarja.  
He stroke over her little face on the cover, just as Tarja came back.  
"Sorry. I had to pick up. It was my manager."  
"It's okay. Something urgent?"  
"Quite. He told me to write down a few more gigs." Tarja smiled softly. "He hates it if a week goes by where I haven't had a concert."  
"Woah, that's hard," Tuomas mumbled and put the CD back. "Nice collection."  
"Thanks," Tarja replied with a soft smile and Tuomas pointed at In Flames.  
"You like metal."  
"Yes." Tarja grinned.  
"Wow," Tuomas chuckled in reply. "Hadn't thought that."  
"After concerts I only listen to metal," Tarja said. "I increase the volume while driving home, it's so relaxing after a classic concert ..."  
"I believe you," Tuomas said. "Have you ever heard something of Nightwish?"  
Tarja's cheeks flushed. "I'm sorry, no. I mean, I listen to some rock radio channels, I'm sure I know some songs. But I wouldn't recognise them."  
"Okay, then my invitation would be useless," Tuomas mumbled.  
"Hm? What did you say?" Tarja looked at him. Invitation?  
"Well, Nightwish is going to have a concert in Helsinki in a few weeks and I wanted to ask you if you want to come. Just for fun."  
"I haven't been to a concert in ages," Tarja said. "When will it be?"  
"In eh ... I don't know exactly, in about eight or nine weeks I think ..." Tuomas pulled out his phone. "I can call Emppu and ask him."  
"Or -" Tarja started and blushed heavier. "Or I'll give you my phone number and ... you'll call me as soon as you know."  
"Okay," Tuomas immediately agreed. He was shaking slightly as Tarja wrote down her number.  
And as she gave it to him, their hands touched.  
"Thank you for visiting me," Tarja said gently. "I've never thought I would see anyone of my old, real friends again. After twenty years."  
"Hey," Tuomas chuckled. "I'm not that old."  
"You aren't?" Tarja asked with a small laugh. "That calms me down a lot, since I am only eight months younger than you."  
The Finns smiled at each other until Tarja let go of the piece of paper.  
"Well then ... call me. I'll be waiting."  
"Alright," Tuomas said.  
"Greet your mother from me. Tell her I'm glad she recognised me."  
"I will." Tuomas touched an imagined hat. "Milady," he said and Tarja giggled.  
"Goodbye ... see you soon?"  
"I promise," Tuomas said and vanished.  
And Tarja held her beating heart.  
Tuomas.  
Tuomas Holopainen.   
She had been head over heels into him ... and now he was back.

Tuomas couldn't believe it. He had Tarja's number. Tarja Turunen's number! Her private number, the number of her cell phone!  
His hands were shaking as he saved her number in his phone, saving her as Tarja.

Tarja waited for his call for a whole week. But as he finally called, she was quite happy.  
"Hello?"  
"Tarja? It's me, Tuomas."  
Tarja's heart immediately started skipping beats. "Hi! Hi, Tuomas. What are you up to?"  
"I'm doing the laundry," Tuomas replied with hesitation and Tarja grinned, sitting down on the couch. "And you?"  
"I'm having a crisis," Tarja replied. "I'm don't know which dress to put on tomorrow."  
"Can't help you with that," Tuomas chuckled. "Do you have a date or ...?"  
"A concert," Tarja quickly said. "A date, oh God, no. I have a concert."  
"Ah," Tuomas said, relieved. "Speaking of concert, the Nightwish concert is in October, October second, precisely. Hartwall areena Helsinki. I'd like you to come. I can send you a ticket if you want to."  
"Are you sure?" Tarja laughed. "I mean, I can buy a ticket ... like every normal human ..."  
Short silence. "You can do that, that's true."  
"I'll buy one," Tarja promised and stroke her thighs absent mindedly. She still hadn't listened to Nightwish, but October was more than two months ahead. She had plenty of time. And now she at least knew what to get herself for her birthday ...


	3. Chapter 3

"Happy birthday to me ..." Tarja mumbled and unwrapped her present. "Thank you, Tarja," she said with a scoffing tone and sighed as she saw the Nightwish album. "It's just what I wanted ..." She wiped away her tears. No! Don't show weakness!  
But she was alone ... so alone ...  
Sure, she had gotten several messages. From her manager, her make up artist, her stylist, some people of the orchestra, from Silvia.  
But every message looked the same:  
"Happy birthday, Tarja! Have a nice day!"  
Unpersonal. Tarja felt unloved.  
Not even the birthday wishes of her fans could persuade her of the fact she was loved. The tons of "Happy birthday, my queen!! I love you so much!" which were drowning her Facebook board couldn't convince her. None of those people knew her in person. No one knew how she felt, how she acted, how she was ... how broken and alone she was.  
The only "I love you" that was meant the way he had written it, came from her dad. And not even he had bothered to call her. Not even he had bothered to hear her voice, no one wanted to hear her voice when she wasn't singing.  
It was nine in the evening now and Tarja poured herself her third glass of red wine. She had sleeping pills in her bathroom ... plenty of those. She had sleeping disorders ever since her mother had passed away. They had been so bad once that she had went to the doctor and he had prescribed some very strong sleeping pills. Only two of those with the whole bottle of wine and she wouldn't wake up anymore ...  
She gulped down the inside of the glass and poured her fourth glass. Sobbing madly, she brought the glass of the wine to her lips once again. Her own voice in the background faded away, announcing the end of the CD. Tarja stood up and staggered to the stereo, pressing the play button again. "Sing, angel, sing," she slurred and sunk on the floor.  
She was so alone ... but she couldn't end her life, she couldn't do that to her father. To her fans.  
But seriously - who cared about her? No one had even called her, no one else had taken the time to call her and talk to her ...  
"And I feel aloooone as I walk aloooone in the ice cold snoooow -," Tarja whined along with her own voice from the stereo, as she heard a noise that didn't fit with the song.  
It was another song ... a song that wasn't by her. Tarja pressed the pause button and listened to the sound of Supremacy by Muse, wondering where it came from.  
Until she noticed that her phone was ringing.  
She rushed to her phone and picked up without looking at the display. "Hello?"  
"Tarja? Happy birthday!"  
Tarja waited. Who was this? "Thank you," she then slurred and giggled.  
"Oh, you're having a party," the male voice said and laughed. "Don't drink too much, I plan to visit you tomorrow."  
Tarja's mind was turning. Who was this?? She was too tipsy to check her display. "Visit me? That's nice, thanks," she said and her heart swelled. It was either Timo, Toni, her father or her manager. No, not her manager.  
"Well then - did you buy the ticket already?"  
"Ticket?" Tarja asked in confusion.   
"The ticket for the Nightwish concert!" the male voice laughed. "Damn, Tarja. I know you're a Finn but - drink less!"  
"Ai vittu ..." Tarja breathed and pulled away her phone to check the display.  
Holopainen, Tuomas, it said.  
Tuomas.  
He had called her.  
He would VISIT HER the next day!  
"I bought the ticket, Tuomas," she said. "It's pinning on my fridge."  
"Good," Tuomas chuckled. "So - when can I come tomorrow?"  
"In the evening, please," Tarja begged. "I guess I won't be fit before."  
"I'll be there," Tuomas promised and Tarja's heart started beating madly all of a sudden. Were there old feelings that came back?  
Tarja didn't know but fact was - she didn't need a sleeping pill that evening ...

She slept until twelve the next day. And as she finally stood up and thought of Tuomas, she didn't even feel hungover. There was a slight hint of nausea but after all she had had four glasses of red wine she had practically drowned down. First thing she did was taking a shower. Then she cooked herself a meal and opened all the windows to make the smell of alcohol go away. She cleaned her apartment after eating and then went to bed again to get rid of the residual alcohol.

She didn't know when Tuomas would drop by, but when she woke up at four in the afternoon,  she immediately put on some make up, brushed her hair and slipped into her casual clothes. She needed fresh air! And while she walked around the little park next to her house, the earplugs buried deep inside her ears, she decided to buy a little thank you for Tuomas. She went to the bakery and bought two slices of cake, putting them into the fridge as soon as she came home.   
She had never been that nervous.   
Not even before a date ...

It got seven. It got eight. It got nine. Exactly a day ago, Tuomas had saved her from suicidal thoughts and now she was about to have them again.  
Where was he?  
No call, no message. He'd at least text her if he changed his mind, right?  
Tarja had already eaten one slice of the bought cake and thought about eating the second as well. The coffee was still hot, but if Tuomas didn't come soon, it would cool down and wouldn't be enjoyable anymore.  
Sadly, exactly this happened. At ten, when Tuomas rang her doorbell, the coffee was ice cold.  
"Hi! I'm so sorry that it got so late but I couldn't make it earlier," Tuomas immediately apologised. "We still had to do so much in the studio ..."  
"It's okay," Tarja said quietly and smiled. "Hope you like iced coffee."  
"Wow, you look stunning," Tuomas breathed and pulled her close, pressing a kiss to her cheek. "Happy birthday, old lady."  
The 'old lady' didn't offend her, strangely. It made her heart beat ... "Thank you for remembering me," she said almost bitterly. "The coffee is already cold though."  
"Oh." Tuomas bit his lip. "Sorry. Ehm - I forgot something in the car, I'll be right back, ok? I have something for you."  
Tarja nodded and Tuomas turned around, leaving back a stunned Tarja. He had something for her?  
She looked stunning?  
Tarja took a quick look into the mirror, sure, she wasn't ugly. Not at all. Her hair was in a horsetail, the tips of it were curly. She only wore little make up, the most exciting thing in her face would be the light red lip gloss. Her clothes? Rather boring. Nothing he was used to, probably - tight, black corsets, ribbons, leather pants, high heels ... this was plain Tarja. Black shirt, black vest. Blue jeans, black socks. Black was her favourite colour, followed by white and red. She fumbled on her earrings as he came back, carrying a bottle of red wine and a cake.  
"I didn't know what to get you," he said weakly. "Anyway, I made it myself. If it tastes gross, I'm sorry."  
"You made a cake for me?" Tarja whispered.  
"Yeah ..." Tuomas' cheeks blushed a little. "I asked my mother to help me but she said I was crazy. Then I asked Anette. She laughed at me but at least gave me a recipe I could follow. I've never baked a cake before. Anyway ... happy birthday."  
Tarja was smiling as she accepted the gift. This was a gift that came by heart. Nothing bought, nothing fanciless... sure, it was only a cake but he didn't know her that good already, right? And it had cost him time to bake it   
She carried it into the living room, placing it next to the slice of cake she had bought.  
"Meanwhile I bought a cake," she giggled and went to the kitchen to get two glasses.  
As she came back, Tuomas was looking at her collection of CDs and vinyls again.  
"Nightwish!" he suddenly said and pointed at the CD that stood next to Muse's Showbiz.  
"Yeah," Tarja chuckled. "It's really good."  
Tuomas beamed at her. He couldn't find words ... he was so nervous. Knowing that Tarja would come to the concert in Helsinki made his heart almost stop. "Amazing that you are into heavy metal," he said and Tarja nodded.  
"I am ... totally." She approached him and Tuomas' heart skipped some beats before it started racing. She was so close, so close ...  
She came to stand next to him and he could smell her perfume ...  
"This though," she said softly and pulled out an album. "Do you know this one by -"  
"Amberian Dawn," Tuomas said and nodded. "Of course. They are really good."  
"Shall I put them in?"  
Tuomas weighed his head and then he negated. "I'd like to listen to this," he said and pulled out one of Tarja's albums, Arkisto Menettää Unelmansa.  
"It's a very slow one," Tarja whispered.  
"And?" Tuomas asked with a light smile. Tarja swallowed.  
"Okay ..."  
As she went to the stereo to put it in, his gaze followed her. He smiled as he noticed that she was shaking, and after the first tunes sounded through the living room, he went to her and took her shaking hand.  
"May I have this dance, my beauty?"  
Tarja turned to him and nodded quietly.  
And it turned out he was a wonderful dancer. Even though his eyes were only on her (mostly on her face ... or more precisely, on her own eyes), he didn't miss a step or step on her feet. "Tuo?" Tarja mumbled after the first song had ended.  
"Hm?" he smiled at her calling him Tuo.  
"Why did you ... why did you decide for this album?"  
"It was a hard decision," he confessed. "But ... you look the best on this album."  
Her heart was beating against his chest.  
"You think?"  
He nodded. "You don't even know how beautiful you are to me," he said quietly, so quietly that Tarja wasn't sure if he had even said it.  
But now she was close to fainting. Her heart was beating so madly, it was choking her and she almost couldn't breathe anymore.  
"Are you okay?" Tuomas mumbled and Tarja nodded.  
"I just ... I need to sit down ..."  
"Great, let's open the wine," Tuomas chuckled. "Don't be afraid, I won't drive home. I am going to walk to my parent's home. Or take the bus."  
"Good. I wouldn't have let you drive anyway," Tarja responded and they took a seat on the couch.  
"Cheers." They clinked glasses.  
"Happy birthday once again, little one."  
"Little one," Tarja chuckled and gulped down the wine.   
It tasted better than the one she had yesterday.  
"So ... how was the party?" Tuomas asked and Tarja smiled.  
"Good ... it was fun ..."  
"Were there many people?"  
"Oh, not at all," Tarja said. "Only the ones who are closest to me."  
"Sounds nice," Tuomas said. "May I be nosy and ask who those people are?"  
Tarja avoided his look. "Me ... myself ... and I ..." she mumbled.  
Silence. "You ... partied alone?"  
"Yep."  
Silence again. Then - "You're quite the Finn, huh?" Tuomas chuckled. "I like you. You're like me. Have you been in underwear too?"  
Against her will, Tarja had to laugh. "No! I was dressed."  
"Pity," Tuomas chuckled and Tarja blushed. Pity? He liked her? She was like him?  
"Have you ever done this?"  
"Plenty of times," Tuomas chuckled. "Also on my birthday, by the way. I am always alone then - who has time on December 25th? It's understandable."  
"I have," Tarja said. "Every year. I don't really celebrate Christmas."  
"Then I can invite you to get drunk with me together? In underwear?"  
"You can try, but if I say yes - don't you dare trying to get me out of my underwear!" It was so easy talking to Tuomas. So easy ... they shared a bond and they both knew it. After two hours they were still laughing and joking with each other. And Tarja prayed that this night would never end. Eventually it did though. Tuomas went home at half past midnight, but not before kissing her cheek.  
"I'll remember your offer about the underwear-drinking," he said and kissed her other cheek too. "You're an amazing woman, Tarja. Really. I had lots of fun."  
"Me too," Tarja said and kissed his cheek as well. "See you soon ... Tuo."  
And she gently pecked his lips.  
Tuomas smiled and kissed her lips back. "Bye ..."  
For a moment their eyes locked. Both of them thought the same - but both of them decided the same.  
No more kisses. Not tonight.  
"Good night, Tarja."  
"Sleep well, Tuo."  
And Tuomas turned around and walked home. 


	4. Chapter 4

The next days and weeks, Tarja was in a super happy mood. Her concerts went better than ever, her days weren't so sad anymore, she was able to sleep as well. She started to write new songs after being on a run before the writing process - and soon noticed that some of them would sound nice with the sounds of metal in the background. So she added synthesisers in her thoughts, drums and an electric guitar. It definitely still sounded strange combined with her operatic voice, but she sent a mail with her ideas to her manager anyway. He was doubting at first but allowed her to try, silently thinking if she was already in her changes and feeling sorry for the poor woman. So young and in her changes already.  
But the main reason why her days weren't sad anymore was:  
Tuomas and her texted each other every day.

One day Tarja came home from jogging and noticed that she had just missed his call. Quickly she called back but he didn't pick up. That was typical. Did he die during those five seconds?!  
With a sigh she took a shower, her mind only with the keyboarder.  
His grey-blue eyes on her face as they had danced ... he had been so close that she could see the little scars in his face that probably reminded him of his skin problem as a teenager everyday. But he was beautiful, no doubt ...  
Her hand went up and soon she was caressing her breasts, wishing it was Tuomas who was kneading them gently.  
They chatted every day.  
It had started innocently, he had asked her if she was hungover ...  
Nope, she had written. You? Did a car hit you or are you alright?  
I'm alright, he had answered. Came home a little late cause I forgot where to go. And then I took the wrong bus.   
What?? Tarja had laughed. How did you manage that? There's only one bus!  
Yeah ... I drove into the wrong direction.  
Tarja giggled at the thought of Tuomas realising that he was driving out of Puhos - but not into the desired direction of Kitee.  
Days later they had chatted again.  
Are you at home? Tuomas had asked her.  
No, I'm sorry, Tarja had replied. I'm on my way to Sweden, I have a concert there ... you caught me before I wanted to shut off my phone! Lucky you ;)  
Tuomas had sighed. If he could only get lucky with her ... How long will you be unavailable?  
Four days, Tarja had replied but Tuomas hadn't texted back.  
Until four days later. She switched on her phone as soon as she got off of the ferry and saw that he had indeed texted her only an hour ago.  
Call me as soon as you're home.  
So she had called him. "I'm in Turku," she had said. "Could last a while until I'm really home. I'm taking the train."  
"Stay," Tuomas pleaded. "I'm ... I'm in Turku too."  
So they had met and Tuomas had confessed that he had waited for her to come back, knowing that she would take the Finland ferry from Stockholm to Turku.  
He had waited for her in Turku.   
And he wanted to go back to Kitee together with her.  
"So you have many Swedish fans?" Tuomas asked her while they sipped their coffee in the train.  
"Oh yes, most of them are over 40 though," Tarja answered. "The ones who are younger than 40 must be in love with me."  
Tuomas grinned into his mug. He could understand why they were.  
"So ... why did you wait for me?"  
Tuomas shrugged. "I missed you ..."  
"How could you miss me?"  
"You're the only one who understands my humour."  
"Oh, come on ..."  
"You're my friend, Tarja. You've always been my friend. I just ... I don't want to lose you."  
"You won't lose me."  
Tarja replayed the memory in her mind over and over and once she opened her eyes and came back to reality, she noticed that her nipples were hard and erected from getting squeezed. Tarja sighed. As often as she had tried, she wouldn't get comfortable enough to masturbate. She had never felt comfortable to do this, to be honest, which had been a total no-go in the eyes of her last boyfriend.  
"If you don't want to sleep with yourself, who else would want?" he had used to tell her so often that Tarja had gotten more and more insecure. But Tuomas was different ... sure, he hadn't tried to sleep with her yet ... but the messages she received every evening made her pray to God that he wanted her.  
Good night, my beauty.  
Sleep well, beautiful.  
Hear from you tomorrow, princess.   
I wish you sweet dreams. Just as sweet dreams as you are sweet.  
Good night, little one.   
Call me tomorrow. I have always time for you.  
Tarja got out of the shower, her mind still with his messages.  
And just as she started drying herself, she heard the sound of Supremacy sound out of her bedroom.  
Again she rushed to her phone, still only clad in a towel, and picked up.  
"Tuomas! Sorry, I just came out of the shower."  
Short silence. Then - "Nice," he chuckled. "You're still naked?"  
"Nope," Tarja lied.  
"Pity. Listen, princess - I have two tickets for a concert ... it's ehm ..." he fell silent and Tarja closed her eyes. She had never noticed how deep and smooth his voice was ... her hand trailed up again, cupped her breast again ...  
"It's - it's a classical concert. You know I'm not into this but I know you are. And I'd go with you. If you want to go with me ..."  
Tarja massaged her right breast. "Mhh ... Yeah. Good idea ..."  
"Really?" Tuomas breathed. "So you have time? No concert?"  
"No concert tonight, only the one I'll go with you," Tarja said with a smile.  
"Perfect," Tuomas mumbled. "Can I pick you up at six?"  
"Please," Tarja said and her hand trailed down. If he only kept on talking ...  
"Okay ... gosh, now I'm nervous."  
"Don't be. It's only me," Tarja said.  
"Only you ..." Tuomas laughed quietly. "Only you. Good one."  
Tarja moaned quietly as her fingers had reached the swollen spot between her thighs.  
"Tarja? Are you okay?"  
"Just hit my toe at the cupboard," Tarja replied and pulled her hand away. She couldn't do it. Her ex-boyfriend had been right - she didn't even want to have sex with herself. "So, at six. Perfect. Dresscode?"  
"Doesn't matter," Tuomas said. "For you it won't matter. You could even wear a trash bag and look like the most beautiful woman on earth."  
"Liar," Tarja said with a heavy blush. There! The most beautiful woman on earth ... if he meant it?  
"No lie," he mumbled and quickly added, "I have to stop the call now, princess. See you later."  
"See you, prince," Tarja chuckled, not knowing what this single word did to him.  
He hung up, fell back on the couch, holding his hand over his racing heart. Why couldn't he just confess his feelings? Why seemed Tarja to be so ... unreachable?

Tuomas wasn't late this time. He waited for his phone clock to turn to six, then he rang the doorbell.  
As Tarja opened, Tuomas thought for a second that he had died and gone to heaven. Because this woman ... she was an angel. She had to be!  
Her dress was a light beige, the black stole was wrapped around her upper body, keeping herself warm. Her hair was open and she had curled it. Her eyelids and lashes were deep black, her lips looked soft.  
And exactly those lips he longed to claim.  
"Hi," she said but he was speechless. "Tuomas?"  
Wordlessly he offered his arm to her and Tarja took it.  
"Are you okay?"  
"I'm - speechless," Tuomas croaked and avoided her green eyes. Tarja blushed.  
"Why?"  
"Your ... your beauty," Tuomas only replied. "It leaves me speechless. Now let's go."

Tarja looked at him during the whole car drive. He had put his hair into a ponytail and she noticed that he had ear holes. Did he wear earrings? Sure he did, he was a rock star. Did he also wear eyeliner, then?  
Tarja longed to see him wearing eyeliner.  
Without hesitation she typed his name into the search engine of her phone and clicked on pictures. She hadn't Googled him yet, mostly because she also didn't want him to Google her. And also because she had felt too shy to stalk him. But now that she saw pictures of him, she regretted that she hadn't stalked him earlier.  
He looked ... he looked simply hot.   
There were pictures of Tuomas on stage, playing the keyboard, embracing his band, a picture of Tuomas without a shirt ...  
And many, many pictures of Tuomas hugging a dark haired woman.  
*This woman must be Anette ...* Tarja thought and clicked on one picture. It almost broke her heart - he and Anette looked ... cute together. Like a couple. She smiled at him and he smiled back ... wow. Tarja felt jealous all of a sudden.  
"What are you looking at?" Tuomas asked and Tarja put her phone away.   
"Nothing - my brother only asked me what I'm doing tomorrow."  
"And? What are you doing tomorrow?" Tuomas asked.  
"I - I hoped to do something with you?" Tarja said softly.  
Tuomas smiled. "I'd love to but ... I have a band meeting. It's important."  
"Ah." Tarja felt a light sting - he would see Anette, then.

The whole evening, Tarja tried to concentrate listening to the concert. The singers had beautiful voices, one of them even made her eyes watery. Tuomas didn't enjoy it as much as she did, but what he enjoyed was looking at Tarja. His heart swelled with love for the black haired as he noticed her wet eyes and he took her hand. Tarja didn't react.

"Is something wrong?" he asked gently as they drove home.  
"No, nothing. Thanks for the invitation, Tuo. The concert was very touching."  
"I noticed," Tuomas said with a smile. "You know, I prefer hearing you sing."  
Tarja didn't reply. Anette just wouldn't leave her mind ... this picture of them two ...  
"Can I ask you something?" she mumbled.  
"Sure, everything," Tuomas said, his heart beating.   
But Tarja didn't ask until he stopped the car in front of her apartment.  
"Are you -" No. Tarja couldn't ask if he and Anette had an affair. "Are you my friend?"  
"Are you serious?" Tuomas asked. "Didn't I prove myself as your friend yet?"  
"Sorry, stupid question," Tarja mumbled and Tuomas took her chin, turning her face towards his.  
"I don't know what I am to you," he said quietly. "But for me ... you're more than only my friend."  
With those words he kissed her gently. "Good night, princess."  
Tarja smiled. "Good night ... prince."

But Tarja couldn't stop thinking about Anette. And as she couldn't sleep, even though she had taken a pill, she stood up and opened her laptop.  
And Googled Anette.  
So she found out that Anette was constantly changing between blonde and black, she was Swedish, older than Tuomas, had tattoos and piercings, she had joined Nightwish in 2007 ... and that she was married and had two sons.  
Relieved, Tarja wanted to shut her laptop, as she read one of the most recent comments, published by a user called NightwishFan93:  
Anette got divorced a few weeks ago ... did you know??  
NightwisherForever had replied:  
What?? She really did it, didn't she ... wow. Now Tuomas and her have no reason not to get a couple.  
Tarja's heart sunk into her pants.  
After an hour she had found out that Anette was "obviously in love" with Tuomas and so was Tuomas. She found out that they were, according to the Internet, soulmates.  
That the fans just waited for them to become a couple ...  
And that Anette was pregnant. From Tuomas. And that this had been the reason for her divorce.  
Tarja even found fanfictions about them. She didn't read them, there were too many. Seemed like the whole fandom wanted them to become a couple.  
She didn't find out if it was true, but the whole fandom said the same.  
And the last that Tarja could remember of that night was that she swallowed a second sleeping pill.


	5. Chapter 5

You looked beautiful yesterday, Tarja. Like a queen. I can still feel your lips on mine. But tell me, why were you so absent? My mind was only with you. I need to talk to you. Call me.  
Tuomas deleted the text again. It sounded pathetic.  
"So - why are we here?" Tuomas put his phone away at Marco's question.  
"Because ... I have to tell you something."  
"Tell us something?" Jukka and Emppu changed a look.  
"Yes." Tuomas grinned. "I'm - well, I ... I am in love."  
"Seriously?" Anette called. "With whom??"  
"You have a girlfriend?" Jukka shouted. "Wow, congrats, old man."  
"We aren't together yet," Tuomas said. "We've only been on ... two dates? Or three, if the trip from Turku to Kitee counts as a date ..."  
"Ah, that's why you had to go to Turku all of a sudden." Anette grinned. "What's her name?"  
"Tarja," Tuomas said quietly and his cheeks blushed.  
"Awww," Anette started jumping wildly. "Can you introduce her to us?"  
"We aren't together yet," Tuomas repeated. "But I think she's my soulmate ..."  
"Is she a Nightwish fan?" Emppu asked.  
"Not really, not yet," Tuomas said. "She's more into ... classic music. But she promised to come to the concert in Helsinki next month."  
"Hm, okay," Jukka said. "And then you'll introduce her to us?"  
"Guys -"  
"Soulmate?" Marco interrupted the keyboarder. "Sounds serious."  
"Soulmate, love of my life ... call it whatever you want. I love her so much. Tarja ... she's my one and only. My Tarja, my forever." Tuomas smiled and Anette "awwed" again.  
Marco grinned. He knew Tuomas all to well - he was shy, he probably wouldn't dare to tell Tarja about his feelings for years. He had to handle ...

Tarja woke up in the afternoon, feeling hungover. She immediately decided not to take a second pill ever again. But then she remembered what she had found out in the night and a wave of nausea washed over her.  
Maybe Tuomas really saw her as only a good friend. If it was like that, Tarja would end this friendship. It would kill her.  
Suddenly she knew she loved him.  
She craved for him.  
She wanted him.  
She needed him ...

She ignored her buzzing phone for the whole day. Only in the evening she took a look at it.  
Seven missed calls.  
Three from her manager, two from her father, one from her brother, one from Tuomas.  
Two messages, both of them from Tuomas.  
She called back everyone besides Tuomas.

Tuomas felt miserable. Why didn't she call him back? Soon the tour would go on and they wouldn't come back to Finland for a month!   
"You need to tell her that you won't be available for a while. If she feels the same for you as you feel for her she will miss you madly," Anette said to Tuomas.   
"I don't think she loves me like I love her," Tuomas mumbled and Anette nudged his arm.  
"One can never know. What about if you leave a bouquet and a letter in front of her house?"  
"Apartment," Tuomas corrected and sighed. "I could do that, actually. Do you want to choose the flowers with me? You're a woman - just act someone wanted to give the flowers to you."  
"I'll help you. No problem." Anette nudged his arm again.

The day after, Tarja came home after an exhausting day at the studio. She had done it, she had recorded new, more harder songs. Her broken heart came in handy to the sadder and angrier songs.  
But now she wished to go to bed, just lay down and cry until she couldn't breathe anymore -  
She stopped dead in her tracks when she noticed that someone had put flowers in front of her door. Dark pink lilies ...  
She realised that she had stopped breathing as she almost fainted. Quickly she breathed again, but now her heart was beating up to her throat. She took the lilies and carried them inside, while looking for a card. And she found one, a letter, more precisely.   
With a beating heart she opened it and started reading ...  
Dearest princess Tarja,  
I only wanted to tell you how beautiful you were in your dress. And even though you seemed distracted or even sad because of something, I dare to say that this evening was amazing. I still feel your lips on mine, Tarja. I'd like to talk to you in person, but the Nightwish tour continues tomorrow. We'll be in Spain, France, Germany and more, until October second. I can't wait to see you there ... pay attention to yourself until then.  
Your prince. 

Soon Tarja was back to her depressed self. The combination of being alone, missing Tuomas, being jealous and being exhausted didn't do good to her and only a week after she had received the bouquet, she got ill. She had to cancel every concert she was about to have the following week.  
She never had been that ill. Her temperature reached almost 39 degrees, at morning it was the worst. Her headache was killing her. She dreamt weird things and woke up crying. Sometimes she tumbled to the toilet at night to vomit.  
But not the thought of being ill was so horrible to her - the thought of being alone was even worse. She was alone. Totally alone. No one looked after her, besides her father, who checked on her once a day.  
On the fourth day he caught her vomiting and asked her if she was pregnant.  
"I can't be pregnant," Tarja sobbed. "I'm alone, father. I don't have anyone. I'll die as a spinster."  
"You're stupid," Teuvo chuckled and hugged his daughter. "And those flowers? Are they from your admirer? Your boyfriend?"  
"Hm? Oh, they are from ... a fan. I have no boyfriend nor an admirer."  
Teuvo didn't believe her (in a calm minute he had read the letter) and bought a pregnancy test for his daughter the next day.  
"Daddy," Tarja whined. "I feel way better already."  
"Make the test. And show me the result," Teuvo demanded and Tarja groaned.  
She made the test and showed the negative result to her father. "See?"  
"Sweetheart, it's positive," Teuvo said.  
"What??" Tarja screeched and grabbed the test, staring at it. And then she stared at her father. "Asshole." she mumbled while her father laughed about her reaction.  
"You should have seen your face."

Tarja slowly started to feel better, which was good, since October second came closer.  
She had even thought about not going to the concert, since she still had some stomach troubles, but then she received a message:  
I can't wait to see your beautiful face in the crowd tonight. I missed you so much.  
This message made her heart beat faster and she knew she had to go.

The concert started at eight.  
While Tarja was driving, she noticed that she would probably be too late to get a good place. She cursed the fact that she had gotten her period during the drive, she had to stop at the gas stop, buy tampons and then wait in a small queue to be able to go to the toilet.  
And now she stood in another queue, almost at the end of it. She wanted to cry. Tuomas now wouldn't see her face in the crowd ... but at least she'd be there. Maybe she'd be able to make herself a picture of that whole Tuomas/Anette situation.  
But as she entered the hall, her imaginations got crushed. She was so far in the back that she almost couldn't see the stage. Plus - she was small. Her 1,64 metres would never reach over all those tall metalheads. Maybe that man would let her sit her on his shoulders ...? Probably not, he was here with his wife.   
Tarja felt alone once again. With a jealous look she eyed the husband and his wife, watched as they first shared a loving look and then a small kiss. "Thanks for escorting me," the woman said to her husband. "I know Nightwish isn't really yours ..."  
"Everything for you, baby," the man replied. Tarja could see how much he loved his wife.   
It broke her heart. If Tuomas only looked at her like this ...  
Tarja looked away and noticed that simply everyone was wearing Nightwish shirts. She was the only one she could see without a Nightwish shirt (besides the man who only was here because of his wife).  
Suddenly ...  
"Hei hei."  
"Hei," Tarja grunted and looked at the woman next to her. She was taller and younger than her (about 25) and blonde and blue eyed.  
"Sorry to disturb but are you alone here as well?"  
"Ah, yes," Tarja replied and looked away again.  
"Thought so," the woman said. "Me too. I'm Rebekka. What's your name?"  
"Eh - Lyydia." Tarja replied. It was the first name that came into her mind.  
"Nice to meet you, Lyydia," Rebekka said happily and Tarja sighed. A crazy girl annoying her ... great.  
But while they were waiting, Rebekka said something interesting ...  
"Do you believe those rumours about Nettie's divorce?"  
"Nettie?" *Probably Anette.* "Rumours? Hm ... do you?"  
"Nah. Anette and her husband are soulmates, Lyydia. That's so made up. Same with the whole Tuomas slash Anette shit. He doesn't love her."  
"He doesn't?" Tarja whispered.  
"Yeah - that doesn't crush you, right? You're none of those writers?"  
"I'm not," Tarja laughed. "And no, I'm not crushed. I'm happy. They don't belong together."  
"Same thought! Tuomas should stay single forever. No one deserves him."  
Tarja smiled weakly. This Rebekka seemed to be head over heels into Tuomas.  
And then it got eight and the supporting act started. It was a rock band that Tarja had never heard of, but they sounded nice. And an hour later, the actual concert started ...

Tarja soon noticed that they had made way more harder songs in the past. There was a bearded man called Marco and mostly he was singing, the songs that Anette was singing were less hard and with hints of violins and piano. All in all Tarja enjoyed the concert and after a while she also enjoyed Rebekka's company, who was tall enough to take pictures from Tarja's phone.  
And as the concert had almost ended, Tarja could see that Tuomas excused himself and went backstage, while Marco spoke up.  
"Wow ... Helsinki, you're simply awesome!!" he growled and the concert hall seemed to explode. Marco chuckled. "We have an announcement to make. First of all, Tuomas, enjoy your time on the toilet."  
Everyone laughed. Tarja grinned. This Marco was funny, she had immediately liked him.  
"And before you ask, no Mr. Finlandia today."  
"Awww," the crowd made, Rebekka the loudest.  
*They drink on stage?* Tarja thought horrified. Well, she was no rock lady after all.  
"But we have something better ... and as long as Tuomas is pissing -" the crowd laughed again. "Silence, people! I have to finish this speech before Tuomas comes back! He's going to kill me otherwise. Well, my dearest people ... our little Tuomas is in love."  
Screams.   
Tarja's heart stopped beating for a moment.  
Louder screams.  
Everyone screamed "Anette!"  
Anette groaned into her microphone. "Shut up, crazy people, I have to disappoint you." she said with her Swedish accent. "He's not in love with me and I'm not in love with him! Just watch the screen ..."  
Silence.  
And then the screen behind them, that had showed the cover of their previous album, started to change into words ...  
Word for word appeared, and in the end the canvas said:  
"Soulmate, love of my life ... call it whatever you want. I love her so much. Tarja ... she's my one and only. My Tarja, my forever." - Tuomas Holopainen, August 27th.  
"Who is Tarja?" Rebekka asked Tarja.  
"I ... don't know," Tarja whispered.  
Her world had changed. Her world was shining.  
He loved her.   
He loved her, she was his soulmate she was ... his one and only. His forever.  
She watched Tuomas run on the stage, right towards Marco. Her heart swelled and she smiled. There he was, the love of her life ... he ran towards Marco and pulled him away from the microphone, pushed him down.  
"Marco!" he shouted and then took the microphone.   
"Tarja ... if you're here ... I'm sorry. I should have told you face to face ... but I was shy. Anyway, now you know." He glared at Marco and Anette. "If you're here ... and if you want to, you can tell me. Cause I couldn't see your beautiful face in the crowd yet ..."  
Immediately everyone started looking around, looking for Tarja. Tarja didn't move.  
"Tarja?" Tuomas asked again. "Lift your hand ..."  
A few hands went in the air and Tuomas looked at all of them. "I'm sorry, Tarjas, but I mean my Tarja ..."  
His Tarja still didn't move.  
"Who is this bitch?" Rebekka mumbled. "I bet she doesn't even love him ... she doesn't deserve Tuomas. No one deserves him!"  
"Maybe she's not here," Tarja whispered. Her heart was racing.   
"Okay," Tuomas now said. "If you don't want to show your face ... I understand it. Maybe you don't love me ..." he looked crushed. "Anyway, if you're here ... and if you love me ... call me."  
"I love you!" some fans in the front row shouted and Tuomas chuckled.  
"Love you too, you're the best. So, now who wants to hear Rest Calm??"

Tarja sat in the car but she didn't drive.  
She had had a fight with herself.  
For an hour she had waited and fought with herself whether to drive or not ... but now she had decided.  
She pressed the call button.


	6. Chapter 6

"Tarja is calling!" Tuomas shouted and the band fell silent.  
With shaking hands Tuomas excused himself from the hotel bar.  
"Tarja?" he breathed.  
"Hi ..." Tarja said quietly.  
Tuomas closed his eyes as he sunk down in front of the entrance of the hotel. "Have you ... have you been at the concert?"  
"Yes ... of course," Tarja said quietly. "Where are you? I'm still in Helsinki ... I won't go back tonight."  
"Good," Tuomas said. "The hotel's called Indigo, it's -"  
"Wow," Tarja said. "I'll be there, Tuomas. I know that hotel."  
"Okay. See you soon." With a beating heart he hung up and kept waiting.  
And really, fifteen minutes later he spotted her black Audi. It parked and she got out.  
His heart stopped as he watched her come closer.  
He immediately noticed that she had shorter hair. She looked stunning. Her hair was straight and now it went until the midst of her back only, her eyelids were deep black again ... and black was her whole outfit. She still looked so sophisticated though. Like a socialite, with her black blouse, vest, pants and boots.  
He stood up and she started running, her eyes filled with love.  
"Tarja," he breathed as she crashed against him. Her tiny body molded into his and he hugged her tighter.  
"Why didn't you tell me??" she whispered into his chest. "You should have told me, Tuomas. I - I was so broken ..."  
"Broken? Why?" Tuomas cupped her face as she looked at him.  
"I ... I made a mistake. I Googled you."  
"Oh. What did you find?" He was confused.   
"You and Anette ..."  
"She's my friend," Tuomas said and stroke the singer's cheek. "Nothing more. You are more to me."  
"Did you really say what they wrote on the screen?" Tarja asked and Tuomas nodded.  
"It was what I said when I told them about you."  
"Tuomas - I ... I love you too," she whispered and Tuomas smiled. "I'm sorry I didn't lift my hand but ... I wasn't ready. And I was so far in the back, you wouldn't have seen me anyway." And Rebekka would have strangled her, probably.  
"I thought so. I understand you, also." Tuomas kissed her forehead. "Good to have you back."  
Tarja buried her face in his chest again. "Can I stay with you tonight?"  
"Of course!" Tuomas whispered and Tarja pulled back again. "Do you think I would allow you to sleep in the car?"  
And before Tarja could respond, his lips were on hers.  
And suddenly Tarja didn't feel sick anymore. Her lips parted and let his tongue enter, explore her mouth, dance with her tongue.  
The kiss was slow and full of love, just as Tarja had imagined their first kiss to be. She felt her knees go wobbly and that Tuomas grabbed her tighter. Probably he felt that she was about to pass out. He pulled her tighter against himself and dipped her a little. When he pulled away, he looked down at her.  
And kissed her again. And again the kiss was slow and tender. This was so Tuomas ... she had imagined him to be exactly like this.  
Her heart was racing. He had been her first love and now he was her boyfriend ... after twenty years. She smiled at the thought and Tuomas pulled away.  
"What?" he whispered.  
"I just had to grin because we've been in love twenty years ago and then we basically didn't even think of each other again ... and here we are."  
"Here we are ..." Tuomas whispered and caressed her cheek. 

And weeks later, they were there again.  
Tuomas had introduced Tarja to his band and Jukka and Emppu had immediately recognised her. The shy girl of their old school! The girl that Tuomas had had a crush on!  
Anette and Tarja had immediately been friends, Anette had accepted Tarja alone because of the fact that she was a woman. Anette had needed another woman in her world of rocker. And as she found out that Tarja was a singer, she was her best friend immediately.   
Tarja all of a sudden wasn't alone anymore. Marco, Jukka, Emppu and Anette constantly fought about whose turn it was to spend some time with Tarja. Tarja knew that it wasn't because she was famous (they didn't need a famous person to get famous, hell, they were even more famous than her), it was because they really liked her. Tarja thought back of her old "friends" like Silvia, who hadn't even known her full name.  
Only weeks later, Tarja and the band were closer as Tarja had ever been with someone. 

One day she told Tuomas about her past.  
Tuomas was shocked, his baby had been depressed and suicidal! After a blush Tarja admitted that she hadn't had sleeping disorders in weeks and after some discussions, she threw the pills and the prescription for them away.

They hadn't done something more intimate, they simply hadn't had the time. Nightwish had continued their tour and came back in the middle of December, to a snowy Kitee.  
Tarja was currently shoveling snow, as someone grabbed her from behind and swirled her around.  
"Ahhh!" she screeched and lifted her arm to slap her attacker, but soft lips on hers made her let her arm sink.  
"Hey, my love ..." Tuomas whispered against her lips and Tarja smiled.  
"Hi ... missed you ..."  
For a while they kissed, until Tuomas pulled back. "I missed you too," he said. "Skype calls just weren't enough."  
He pecked her lips again.   
"Will you stay here now?" Tarja asked shyly and Tuomas nodded. "As long as I can. But now we're going to have a longer pause anyway. I want to be with my woman ..."  
"And I want to be with my man," Tarja whispered back.  
For a while they just looked at each other, until Tuomas asked, "What are you going to do now?"  
"I didn't want to go somewhere ... if you meant that," Tarja mumbled back.  
"So you have time for me?"  
Tarja nodded and together they walked back to Tarja's apartment.

"I missed you so, so much ..." she mumbled against his lips, roaming her hands over his back.  
"Mhh ... masturbated much?"  
"No, I can't do that ... long story."  
"Yeah? Well, you don't need to. I'm here now."  
"You're ... you're here now ..." Tarja whispered and closed her eyes.  
She had waited for months.  
She couldn't believe it had been already five months since he had visited her ... since her feelings for him had come back like a bomb. Since then she had craved for his kiss, and since he had finally kissed her more than two months ago, she craved for his touch ...  
She let out a silent breath as Tuomas inserted his hands under her shirt.  
Oh, how she had wanted to feel this.  
And how he had wanted to do this. He slowly pulled the shirt over her head, revealing her black bra.  
His lips were on her skin a second later.  
Tarja opened her eyes and smiled down at the black head which was buried between her breasts.  
"Tuomas ..."  
"Hm?" Tuomas lifted his face and smiled at her. "Yes, love?"  
Her heart swelled as he called her his love.  
"I'm nervous, you know?" Tarja blushed.  
"Is this going to be your first time?" Tuomas raised a brow at her. If it was ... wow.  
"Kinda ... it's going to be the first time with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with." She blushed heavier and Tuomas smiled at her. She was so adorable ...  
"Well then I have a reason to be nervous as well," he said and cupped her cheeks, kissing her lips. "Do you want to wait?"  
"No," Tarja breathed. "You have no idea how ready I am."  
"Pity. I thought maybe you want to do what we said ... drinking in underwear and having sex afterwards ..." Tuomas chuckled.  
"We didn't talk about having drunken sex as far as I remember," Tarja said. "But I think it's a good idea - not for our first time, though."  
Tuomas nodded and stroke Tarja's cheeks. She was so, so beautiful. The keyboarder could hardly believe she was his.  
"What?" Tarja whispered and Tuomas carefully reached behind her to unclasp her bra.  
The cold air in the room made her nipples harden immediately and Tuomas kissed them before he opened the zipper of her jeans, pulling it down. Her aroused smell immediately hit him, took his senses. She breathed quietly as his hands roamed over her body, her breasts, her shoulders, her waist and thighs ... her hips, her abdomen. He slowly pulled down her panties. As soon as it was lying somewhere on the floor, he kissed her inner thighs, kissed his way up to her entry. She breathed faster - but soon before he had reached her aroused middle, he sat up and looked at her naked glory.  
Tarja blushed. Never had a man looked at her like this.  
Longing. Craving. Wanting. Loving ...  
His heart was beating fast as she lay there, ready for him. Only for him ...  
He swallowed and started undressing, her greedy eyes upon him. Her eyes went dark as he peeled off his shirt and threw it to the floor carelessly. While she was watching him, Tarja noticed how aroused she already was, how much her clit was throbbing with need. She didn't even want to know how swollen it was.  
Tuomas bent down and kissed her stomach, trailing lower. Tarja spread her legs and made herself ready for him, while Tuomas now pulled down his own pants.  
He was so hard.  
Tarja's heart made a little jump at the sight of how hard he was, only for her ... she moaned quietly and as he was naked too, she couldn't hold herself back.  
Guided by lust, she threw herself on him and kissed him hard. Tuomas grabbed her waist and pushed her back, their lips and tongues never parting. Between moans and gasps they touched each other, every inch they could reach.   
Tuomas' erection pressed against her middle and Tarja parted her legs again, making him slide between her thighs.  
"Take me," Tarja gasped and moved her pelvis back and forth. "I beg you, take me ... please, Tuomas ..."  
And Tuomas obliged and pressed her legs apart. Before he slid into her, he put his hand on her entry and started massaging her clit.  
Tarja moaned and put her hands on his head, grabbing his hair. "Tuo ..."  
"Shh, my queen," he whispered and lowered himself on her. "I'm going to make you scream my name ..."  
Tarja nodded, unable to talk. She had never met someone like him before. Never. He cared for her and her needs. He wasn't like all the other men ... he loved her.  
She put her hands on his shoulders and locked her eyes with his, while he entered her slowly.  
Tarja's lips parted and she let out a little gasp as he pushed further, filling her completely.  
"Oh my ..."  
She pulled him down, hugged him tight. "I love you so much," she breathed into his ear while he started thrusting. "So much ..."  
He put his hands on her waist and stroke her gently. "Baby ..." he mumbled. "You're mine ..."  
"Forever," Tarja promised quietly. She was shivering. It felt so, so wonderful.  
"My love ..."  
Their lovemaking was slow. Slow, yes, but wonderful. Just like a perfect first time should be ...  
They explored the other's bodies as good as they could, with hands, with lips, with tongues. After they had come, they continued with exploring each other, kissing and licking each other, holding each other and talking.  
And after a long talk about their pasts, they made love again, this time a little wilder, with Tarja on top. After their second time they just held each other, looked at each other, kissed every now and then. It was past midnight as they fell asleep - after their third time. Tarja couldn't believe her luck, he wasn't only handsome and good in bed - he was sweet, caring and loving. Could he be more perfect for her?  
This was the man she would introduce to her father as her boyfriend soon. This was the man she would have introduced to her mother. This was the man she would introduce to her fans ... Maybe as fiancé. Maybe soon. This was the man she would call the father of her baby ...  
She smiled broader. A baby ... she had always wanted children. Now she was closer to getting a baby than ever.   
Tarja was lucky: Tuomas thought exactly the same thing.  
The post coital bliss made him think about how absolutely stunning their children would be. He thought about a proposal, where would be the best place to propose to her?  
He kissed her shoulder and Tarja turned around.  
And after another exchange of love declarations, they both fell asleep, knowing they'd wake up together the next day and never be alone again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue

One year later ...

Tarja was having Christmas concerts again, only this time she also played harder songs. With the help of Jukka on the drums her old, slow Christmas songs sounded heavier immediately and thus she also reached a younger audience. The last year had been a heavy year in general, well, in her music career. She had went to some Nightwish concerts, even featured them in one song (the very day she had gotten introduced as Tuomas' girlfriend). And then she had asked Jukka to join her Christmas concerts.  
And it seemed to be a great success.  
Also she had gotten more fans through her feature in Nightwish - after all there were also people who didn't hate her for being the hot keyboarder's girlfriend. And she had noticed, to her relief, that the Tuomas/Anette rumours, pictures and Fanfictions got less and less ...

"Thank you! Thank you so much," Tarja said with a broad smile on her face.   
Some threw flowers on the stage and Tarja took a bow again. She picked up one flower and handed it to Jukka, who earned big applause too.  
"Thanks," Tarja repeated and sent kisses to everyone.  
She smiled at Tuomas, who was sitting in the first row, and waved at him.  
He waved back, his heart beating madly. Now or never.  
While everyone was still clapping, Tuomas stood up and went on the stage. Tarja laughed as she saw him - but immediately stopped as she noticed his scared and worried expression.  
"Tuo!" she called. "What's wrong?"  
Tuomas rushed forward and took her face into his hands, caressing her cheeks gently. "I love you so much," she said gently and his eyes softened.  
"I love you too," Tarja replied quietly, trying to ignore the screams and whistles.   
Tuomas' face went insecure. "Could you close your eyes?" he asked quietly.  
"Why?" Tarja asked in confusion.   
"You'll see - could you please close your eyes?"  
"Tell me why," Tarja insisted.  
"Tari - do you trust me?"  
"Yes," Tarja said without hesitation and Tuomas locked their eyes. "Fine," Tarja sighed and looked into the crowd, earning some nods from her fans. So she closed her eyes.   
She didn't know what Tuomas was up to and started getting a little scared as surprised screams went through the crowd. "Tuo ...??"  
"Open your eyes, Love," she heard his nervous voice and she did.  
And pressed her hand on her mouth, suppressing a squeal as she stared down at Tuomas, who was kneeling in front of her.  
"Tarja," he started and took her free hand. "Love of my life ... we've known each other for such a long time now, I think it's time to take the next step ..." He smiled shyly. "I've loved you for twenty years, I won't stop loving you for sure. I know that you're my one and only, so please ... will you become ... Tarja, please marry me and become my wife ..." He swallowed and looked up to her with wide puppy eyes.  
Tarja suddenly noticed that her eyes were wet, for a second she thought about that the tears would ruin her make up but then she noticed that she didn't care. She had a right to cry, Tuomas had just proposed.  
TUOMAS HAD PROPOSED!!!  
The tears suddenly started to flow and she suppressed a sob.  
"You don't want to?" Tuomas whispered and pulled a ring out of his jacket, a small silver ring with a blood red stone.  
"Of course I want to!" Tarja sobbed and the crowd screamed.  
"You -?"  
"Yes!" Tarja sobbed. "Yes, oh God, yes! You fool ..."  
He put the ring on her hand and smiled as he noticed that it fitted.  
And that it looked amazing on her hand  
Then she fell on her knees, not caring about her dress, pulled Tuomas close and kissed him hard..  
Between some kisses, Tuomas breathed another love declaration. "Mrs Tarja Holopainen..."  
Tarja smiled and sobbed again.  
Without noticing the cheers, screams and applause, Tuomas kissed his love, his fiancée, again.  
"Let's go home..." Tarja suddenly begged. "I don't feel like having an aftershow party ... only with you, with you alone ..."  
The crowd whistled and suddenly Tarja noticed that the microphone was still shut on. With pink cheeks she turned to her fans.  
"Can you believe it?" she asked happily and bowed as the crowd screamed some congratulations. "Engaged ... I hope you aren't mad at me that I want to leave ..."  
Earning some more confirmations from her fans, she waved them and sent them kisses. "Love you, people!"  
And then they left the stage and the concert hall, jumped into the car and started making out like two crazy teenagers in love.

A few months later, they finally did what they had promised each other to do - kalsarikännit, a word that every Finn knows and at least does once in his life.  
Only that Tarja and Tuomas aren't alone as they do it - but they're definitely in their underwear.

The clock struck midnight and they couldn't even walk anymore. They laid on the wooden floor, side by side, giggling about something they had just witnessed.  
They couldn't remember anymore.  
"Have another drink?" Tarja slurred and tried to stand up but failed madly.  
"Me yes, you no," Tuomas gave back and slapped her ass hard as she finally stood.   
"Ouch!" Tarja moaned and let herself fall on him. Tuomas cringed at the sudden attack of her body, but immediately hugged and held his woman tight.   
"I love you," he mumbled into her ear and nibbled on her lobe afterwards.  
"Mhh," Tarja moaned. "Love you too ..."  
Their lips met in a wet kiss, wet, because they didn't find each others mouths in the beginning and while trying to find each other, Tuomas might have licked Tarja's lips ... and jaw and chin and everything else he could reach.  
Tarja straddled him, grabbed his shoulders and pulled his upper body towards her own, opened her mouth and made him go deeper with his tongue, made him taste every single corner of her mouth.  
After a while, Tarja pushed him back again and started drawing circles on his naked chest with her index finger.   
"What are you doing?" Tuomas moaned.  
"Trying to have my way with you," Tarja gave back and bent down to kiss his exposed chest.   
"You really want to have drunken sex?" Tuomas chuckled but Tarja only moaned in reply.  
Yes, she wanted to.  
Trailing lower, she had soon reached the hem of his underpants, which she pulled down with a longing look on her face.  
"What are you -?" Tuomas started again and his eyes widened as his woman took his shaft between her hands.  
She had only done this once before, Tuomas had noticed how uncomfortable she felt while giving a blowjob. Maybe she needed to be drunk?  
His head fell back at Tarja's gentle strokes and while his blood shot down to his lower region, Tarja bent down and planted a kiss on his length.   
"Alright ..." she muttered and once his penis was hard, she collected all her will and took him into his mouth.  
And it was better than the last time, at least she thought so. It was the alcohol in her blood that didn't make her think about how gross it would be to swallow his sperms, it made her think about the rumour that it was good for the throat and voice. So she pumped up and down, licked and sucked, eager to make him cum.  
And he came, he came into her and this time she didn't run and spit it out, this time he swallowed, feeling brave and adult as she didn't even cringe a little.  
And while Tuomas was still enjoying the bliss, his mouth partened and his eyes rolled up, Tarja already worked on his manhood again. She needed him to be hard again, needed to prevent him to shrink.  
"Ta - Tari ..." Tuomas moaned. "My God, Tarja ..."  
"Say my name," Tarja said through gritted teeth while she lowered herself on him.  
"Tarja ..."  
"Go on." Tarja tightened her walls around him.  
"Soile ... Susanna..." he moaned loudly.  
"Go on!" Tarja groaned and rocked her pelvis back and forth. "I want you ... to say ... my name!!"  
"Tarja Soile Susanna Holopainen!" Tuomas finally moaned and Tarja grabbed his shoulders, riding him faster. After a while crashed down on his body, sweat dripping down from her forehead.  
"I'm... exhausted ..."  
"Come here, my beloved," Tuomas said gently and pulled out of her, just for a moment to push her back and enter her again.  
He kissed the top of her breasts as he did so, and once he was inside of her, he locked his eyes with hers.  
"We're married. We really did it."  
"Yes," Tarja said with a cocky smile. For two days already."  
"I still can't believe it ... never thought I'd ever marry my first love..."  
Tarja cupped his face. "Fuck me, husband," she said fiercely and gladly he obliged.  
He knew that this wouldn't be the last time but still he fucked her as if it was. He knew that there were more times to come, and after they had reached the peak together, they decided to have a cold shower.  
They were enjoying their honeymoon after all, would be too bad to have a hangover on their second day already.  
"Tarja Holopainen," Tarja mumbled as she stepped into the shower and kissed her husband. "Mrs Holopainen... it sounds so grown up - ah!"  
Tuomas had lifted her up and held her beneath the cold stream of flowing water.  
"You are grown up," he said as he eyed her body greedily. "And I want nothing more than tasting you ..."  
"Please do," Tarja said. "And more important - get me out of that cold water! Ahh!!"  
Tuomas chuckled and turned her away from the stream. After putting her down, he crashed his lips on hers.  
And their game began anew.

*and this is how it could have been ...*

End of   
What If?


End file.
